Canines Playing Poker
by baka deshi
Summary: [Complete] Ever seen that painting of four dogs playing poker? Same old theme, with an Inuyasha twist. Utterly ridiculous, rated PG-15 for bad dog behavior.


I dedicate this ficlet to a fanart. Please, please don't ask ^_^;; 

WARNING: This fic is utterly ridiculous. Read at your own risk. It is also rated PG-15 for mention of bad dog behaviors ^_~  
  


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"I'll see your shikon shard and raise you a collar!" a cocky voice called out across the table. 

"Done! Your ass is mine!" another male growled. 

"I find that rather disturbing, hanyou. I thought you _had_ a mate already." a smoother voice purred. 

"Shut up!" two rough voices snarled back. 

Shippou sighed. As usual, the game was going badly. He was doing better this time, but he was still having trouble hanging onto his cards. "Oops!" the fox squeaked as another one slipped out of his tiny paws. 

"Here ya go, little guy!" Kouga's face swam out of a cloud of smoke as he leaned down to "help" Shippou retrieve his card. "Ooh, nice one!" he whistled. 

"You're not supposta look at it!" the fox barked as he sulkily accepted his king. 

"Got any more of those?" Kouga sneered hopefully. 

"Nope! Go fish!" Shippou announced triumphantly. 

"Dammit, not again!" Inuyasha snapped, reaching over to smash Shippou's head into the table. "Wrong game, idiot!" 

Shippou's eyes welled with tears. "Inuyasha's being mean to me!!!" 

"I'm afraid the miko isn't here to protect you, pup." Sesshoumaru intoned dryly. "Will you stand or trade?" 

"Ummm…trade!" Shippou glared at Kouga and stuck his king back in the pile. He was extremely happy to draw an ace. _That'll show the bastard._

"I take two!" Inuyasha announced, and looked at his hand. The others waited…and waited…and waited… 

"Dammit, dog! Piss or get off the tree!" Kouga snapped. 

"I'm_ thinkin'_, ok?!" the hanyou snarled. "What's higher again? A jack or an ace?" 

"I can't _believe_ we're related…" Sesshoumaru muttered. 

"Neither can I, wom-man!" Inuyasha sniffed, glaring pointedly at Sesshoumaru's latest manicure. The full demon turned up his nose and affected boredom. "Ok, I got it!" the hanyou announced as he triumphantly returned two queens to the pile in exchange for a two and a three. "F*ck! …give me some more sake." he grumbled wearily. Sesshoumaru obliged. 

"Yeah, whatever, my turn." Kouga grunted. "I take one." He discretely selected a card, trading in a seven. "Hey…ok, I'll take one more…" Another quick exchange. "Wait, changed my mind…" 

"Y-you can't do that!" Inuyasha sputtered angrily, putting his cup down. 

"Yes, he can." Sesshoumaru drolled lazily, reaching for another shot of bourbon. 

"Then I get my queens back!" 

"Nope, no can do." The dealer leaned back in his chair and drained his cup in one try. 

"Why the hell not?!" 

"House rule. Hanyous don't get do-overs." 

"That's not a rule!" Inuyasha yelled. 

"Just made it." Sesshoumaru sniffed. 

"You can't just make shit up!" 

"Of course I can…I'm the dealer." 

"Oh yeah? What about the rule that says "Sesshoumaru is a big wimpy moron who wears eyeshadow, so he can't deal anymore?" I think we should use that one." 

No response. 

"Ok, then I raise you your _fuzzy baby blanket_ next round, Sesshou-chan!" Inuyasha giggled strangely, sipping his sake. 

"Somebody cut the hanyou off!" Kouga yipped in alarm, noticing how red Sesshoumaru's eyes had gone. Inuyasha continued cackling. 

Sesshoumaru shook himself, clearing his head. "Don't worry. I've given up fighting with idiots." 

"Whaaa---?" Inuyasha asked blearily. 

"I stand." the full dog demon announced. "Shippou, you hit or stand?" 

"I already went!" Shippou replied, tipping his head up to look at the prize pot. He'd never liked this table, it was too high for a fox kit. As it was, he was standing on his mom's old sewing box and he could still barely get his chin over the edge. 

Sighing, the dealer rubbed his temples and ended it. "Ok then…spread 'em." 

Inuyasha and Kouga snickered wickedly. 

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes, somewhere behind his thick screen of cigarette smoke. It was inevitable that these gatherings eventually collected dirty jokes, just as they attracted smoke hazes. Nobody in their group even knew what this "tobacco" was, for crying out loud. 

"Ahem." the dog demon coughed. "I meant, 'lay them down'. Or do I have to do it for you?" 

Kouga and Inuyasha caught each other's eye and began howling with laughter. Shippou slunk down further in his seat as Sesshoumaru leaned across the table. 

"Put. Your. Cards. Down." he ground out slowly, claws lighting with a deadly green acid. Shippou groaned and slid down further in his chair. There went another deck of cards…Kagome was going to be pissed. 

"Hey! No fair marking 'em!" Inuyasha growled. Sesshoumaru blinked slowly, then hastily dropped his hand on the tabletop. All of five of them sported neat little holes. 

"Well, damn." he stated, in a tone that didn't imply he was sorry at all. "Guess the game is over." the full demon smirked, revealing his royal flush with exaggerated slowness. 

"Shit!" Kouga and Inuyasha cursed as one, slapping their hands down on the table. One of Kouga's "special" aces flew out of his sleeve and hit Inuyasha in the eye, and the two began bickering loudly. 

Shippou sighed and pushed his second-favorite top toward the winner. It wasn't fair, playing with Sesshoumaru…you could never tell when he was bluffing. At least Inuyasha cursed when he got a bad hand. The table jerked violently, and Shippou ducked as Inuyasha's elbow swung dangerously close. Sesshoumaru swore somewhat less gracefully than usual as his drink sloshed on his winnings. 

"Take it outside, will ya?" Shippou yelped as the tangled rivals hit the floor and knocked a chair over. 

"Hello?" A sweet, feminine voice called down into the fox den. Everyone froze, attempting to pretend they weren't there (or at least, not sharing the cave with the other canines who weren't there). 

"Uh…yes, Kagome?" Inuyasha and Kouga called as one, from their position on the floor. 

"What's going on down here? I thought Shippou was just going home to get a few things—aaaaack!" 

Kagome stormed through the tiny door, propelling herself in shoulders-first. "What on earth are you all doing in here?" 

"Errr…" Inuyasha and Kouga attempted to appear as if they hadn't just been wrecking the furniture. Even Sesshoumaru looked slightly uncomfortable…he paused mid-chug to stare at the female intruder. 

"Just think of poor Shippou!" the schoolgirl screeched. "You're trashing his Ancestral Home!" Shippou winced. He could practically hear the capital letters in that one…not really necessary for his little hole-in-the-wall. Or hole-in-the-ground, as it were. 

"We're just playin' a lil game!" Inuyasha protested, trying to focus on one of the three Kagomes floating in front of him. Unfortunately, they all looked like they were going to "sit" him. 

"And you've been drinking!" she snapped. "Who's fault was that?" 

Kouga pointed at Sesshoumaru, who suddenly found the ceiling very, very interesting. 

"I should have known!" the schoolgirl sniffed. "And what's all this!? " She asked, sorting through the motley prize pot. "Lollipops…knives…a belt buckle...I don't wanna know what _this_ is…" she wrinkled her nose at something leathery and tooth-marked. "TESSAIGA? What are you _doing_?" She glared at Inuyasha. 

"Well, we thought they were appropriate…" Sesshoumaru offered. 

"Yeah, you have to cash something in to buy ya' cards…" Inuyasha slurred. 

"Cash something in?" she asked blankly. 

"Yeah, so you can try to shoot the man in the moon and get twenty-six points!" 

"No, dumbass! That's hearts!" 

Kagome relaxed visibly. At least someone was still with it. 

"Shooting the moon's worth fifty-two chips in this game!" Kouga continued. 

"I thought that was for Bugging your Neighbor!" Inuyasha snapped. 

"Begging your Neighbor…" Sesshoumaru corrected. 

"Well, whatever! I ain't asking _him_ for anything!" Inuyasha gave Kouga a not-so-neighborly shove. 

Kagome was speechless. 

"Do any of you even know how to play poker?" she asked suspiciously. 

"Poker?" 

"What the hell? I thought we were playing euchre…" 

"You idiot---!" 

As the table dissolved into internal conflict, Shippou silently scooped up his little pile of winnings and slunk off to count the goodies. It was always fun, having The Boys over for a few drinks.   
  


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There, I told you it was silly, didn't I? If you liked it, review ^_^ 


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